Motherhood has become an integral part of my identity. It is changing me. Some of that carving and shaping has been deeply joyous. Some of it has been incredibly painful. And my kids. They delight me to my core. They teach me about living in the moment; about loving the joys found in ordinary days. They are profound and silly and lovely humans.
For Mother’s Day this year, I felt to write them each a note telling them what I love most about being their mother. It was tender to reflect upon each of my children. They are all so different. My place in their life gives me a unique and profound vantage point on their capacities for good—their gifts.
I cried as I sat on our couch to write my note for Isaac, my firstborn. I don’t know how much he understands. Sometimes it feels like there is very little true comprehension of language and a lot of overwhelm and frustration when words are strung together and directed toward him. When I converse with Isaac, I usually try to talk to him about things that I know delight him. I want him to know that I love him. Talking to him about things that he cares about hopefully helps him feel that. Isaac’s treasured topics always come in lists. We gab about his favorite little shows on YouTube—I’ll say things like “I love Super Simple Songs!” He’ll say something like “BrainCandy TV!” And then I’ll say “Oh, and Barney! What about Busy Beavers?!” And he might add “Teeter Taught Animation!” Isaac knows and loves every single country on this planet, their capitals, their flags, and can also identify them by their shape unrelated to size. We’ll spell out the countries of Europe one by one and identify each capital city. Sometimes we talk about shapes. Two dimensional, and then three dimensional. Or vehicles—all categorized into lists: Construction vehicles, farm vehicles, emergency vehicles, buses (in all their forms), armored vehicles. These exchanges run up and down list after list of topics that interest him, and I am so grateful to engage with him in this way. However, my heart longs for connection past the lists. I want to know why he loves what he loves. I want to know what frightens him, what makes him happy…and why. I want to know what he thinks about our new home, and what his hopes are for his future. I want to tell him things too. There is a wall that separates Isaac and I. One that is too wide and tall and strong for me to breech in this life. I am grateful for everything we are able to share now—every list we run through over and over again; every positive interaction; every time I see him engaged and happy. And yet I look forward with all my heart to the day when the wall between us will crumble away to nothing.
On Mother’s Day, I wrote:
Isaac,
On this Mother’s Day, I wanted to tell you some of my favorite things about being your mother:
1. I love to hear you laugh. I love when you jump up and down and flap your hands in joy. Nothing makes me happier than to see you joyful.
2. I love when you tell me about all the things you are interested in—whether it’s spelling farm animals, or naming all the countries in Europe. I just love when you share it with me.
3. I love to go on walks in the woods with you. I love walking on trails and finding beautiful places to stop and sit on a blanket.
4. I love when you sing and make music. You are gifted. Music is such a part of you.
I am so grateful for you. I know that we are a family forever and I am so grateful for that. I know that Jesus loves you and that any difficulty in this life can be used for our learning and growth. He offers us full freedom and eternal joy. I am so grateful. I love you forever. You were the first one to make me a mother.
Love, Mommy
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